Your mother says it with love, her voice full of reassurance. “Honey, all kids are like that. You were the exact same way at his age, and you turned out fine.”

And in that moment, the seed of doubt she’s been planting for months begins to sprout. Your gut, which has been screaming that something is different, suddenly goes quiet, replaced by the agonizing, looping question: “Am I making this up? Am I pathologizing normal childhood? Am I just a bad parent?”

“Every time my dad says, ‘He just needs more discipline,’ a part of me believes him. It makes me question everything I’m seeing with my own two eyes.”

Let’s be incredibly clear: Your gut is right. And your mother is also right.

This is not a contradiction. This is the heart of the ADHD paradox, and understanding it is the first step to reclaiming your expertise as a parent.

Your mother is right that all kids get distracted, forget their shoes, and procrastinate on homework. The difference is not the behavior; it is the neurobiology driving it.

A non-ADHD brain runs on a system of importance and consequences. An ADHD brain, however, has an interest-based nervous system. It is not a brain with a “deficit” of attention; it is a brain with a dopamine-based motivation system. It does not run on what’s important; it runs on what is interesting, novel, or urgent. This is not a theory; it is a matter of brain chemistry. Your child’s ability to hyperfocus on LEGOs for six hours is not proof that they could focus on homework “if they wanted to.” It is proof that their brain is working exactly as it was designed to—by seeking dopamine.

Your mother sees a puddle and says, “I’ve seen puddles before.” You are pointing to an ocean and trying to explain that this is something else entirely. The difference between “just being a kid” and having an ADHD nervous system is not the what; it’s the how much. It is the chronic, life-impairing intensity and frequency of the struggle.

You are not pathologizing your child; you are an astute observer who has correctly identified a fundamental difference in their neurological wiring. It’s the difference between a kid forgetting their homework once and a kid who, despite being brilliant, is constantly on the verge of failing their classes at a Rockwood middle school because of missing assignments.

THE “WHAT TO SAY” SCRIPT (For the Grandparents)

WHEN THEY SAY: “All kids are like that. You just need to be tougher.”

YOU SAY (CALMLY): “I hear you, and you’re right that all kids can be forgetful. What we’re seeing, though, is a level of struggle that’s impacting his ability to function. We’re not looking at it as a behavior problem, but as a brain-wiring difference, and we’re learning new ways to support him.”

You now have the elixir: the language of neuroscience. You are not a “bad parent”; you are the leading expert on your child. You are not “overreacting”; you are a keen observer. It is time to trust your data. The gaslighting, however well-intentioned, stops here. When you’re ready to partner with a team that trusts you as the expert from the moment you walk in the door, let’s talk about a neuro-affirming assessment. Start here.