You Are the Center of Your Universe (And That's How You Heal Your Relationships).

By Liz Wooten, LPC

About the Author: Liz Wooten, LPC, is the founder of Enlitens and a rebellious academic dedicated to dismantling the broken mental health system. As an AuDHD therapist with years of front-line crisis experience, she brings a deep, lived understanding to her work. Read Liz’s Full Story Here

Let’s start with the most rebellious truth about relationships: A clear boundary is not a declaration of war. It is an act of profound love.

You are an expert at contorting yourself to fit the needs of others. You can sense a shift in a room’s mood before anyone else. You say “it’s no big deal” when it is a very big deal. You have become a human pretzel, bending and twisting to keep the peace, operating on the deep, terrified belief that if you stand up straight for even a second, the entire relationship will shatter.

For you, the “Boundary” is a monster that lives under the bed. It looks sharp, aggressive, and angry. Just thinking about letting it out—saying “no,” stating a need, disagreeing—sends a jolt of pure terror through your body. It feels like a guaranteed path to rejection and abandonment. So you keep the monster under the bed, and you continue to twist.

Your fear of setting boundaries is not a character flaw; it is a brilliant, deeply ingrained trauma response. For a nervous system wired with the intense pain of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), the perceived threat of abandonment feels like a literal survival threat. Fawning, or “people-pleasing,” is a sophisticated, unconscious strategy your nervous system learned to keep you safe in environments where your authentic needs were not welcome.

A Field Guide to Boundaries
NO BOUNDARY (A Puddle): You don’t know where you end and they begin. Leads to resentment and burnout.
A WALL (A Fortress): Rigid, punitive, and designed to keep everyone out. Leads to isolation.
A FENCE (Your Yard – The Goal): Clear, flexible, and has a gate. It defines your space and allows for safe connection.

You’ve been taught that a boundary is a wall you build to push people out. This is a lie.

A wall is a tool of isolation, built from fear. A healthy boundary is a fence. It doesn’t block the view. It’s not angry. It has a gate that you can open and close. It simply marks the edge of your property and says, “This is my yard. This is where I feel safe. To love me well, please don’t set up a tent in my flowerbeds.”

You are not pushing them away; you are finally showing them the path to get closer to the real you.

The Formula: I feel [YOUR FEELING] when [THEIR ACTION]. I need [YOUR NEED].
The Example: “I feel overwhelmed and unheard when we talk about this late at night. I need to pause this conversation and pick it up tomorrow afternoon when my brain is working better.”
(Notice: It’s a statement about you, not an accusation about them.)

The work of individual therapy is often about learning to gently and safely untwist the pretzel. It’s about realizing that you can stand up straight and still be loved. It begins and ends with the radical act of becoming the center of your own universe. When you are ready to stop breaking yourself and start building your fence, we’re here to hand you the tools.

Go Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole

The Pain of "Trying Harder" (RSD).

The scientific deep dive into the intense fear of rejection that makes setting boundaries feel impossible.

When Trauma Looks "Normal" (C-PTSD).

A guide to understanding how a childhood of walking on eggshells hardwires the “pretzel” response.

The 15-Minute Vibe Check.

A safe, no-conflict, no-pressure first step for the part of you that is terrified of making the first move.

*The information here is meant to guide and inform, not replace the care of a qualified healthcare professional. If you have questions or concerns about a medical or mental-health condition, please reach out to a trusted provider. The examples shared are based on general personas—no personal health details are used. At Enlitens, your privacy is a top priority, and we fully comply with HIPAA regulations to keep your information safe and confidential.

This is a Conversation,
Not a Debate.

This is not a space for debate or unsolicited advice. It is a space for sharing stories. We read every submission, and we will periodically feature the most resonant and validating stories here with the author’s explicit permission. Submit your’s below!

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Take one second. That’s all I’m asking.

Do not try to “calm down.” Do not try to “fix it.” Do not listen to the voice screaming that you need to do something right now.

Just be here, with me, for one single breath.

My name is Liz. I’ve spent years working overnight in the ER, sitting with people on what was often the worst night of their entire lives. I have sat in the eye of the hurricane, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that the chaos you feel right now is not the truth.

It is a storm in your nervous system. And a storm is just a weather pattern. It is not you. It is not permanent. And you do not have to navigate it alone.

Right now, your brain’s alarm system is screaming. The logical part of your brain has been taken offline. That is a normal, brilliant, biological survival response. But you and I are going to bring it back online, together.

We are going to do one, simple, physical thing. This is not a bulls*hit mindfulness exercise. This is a direct, manual override for your nervous system.

Place your hand on your chest.

Can you feel that? The rise and fall. The rhythm. That is the anchor. That is the proof that you are here, in this moment, and you are alive.

Keep your hand there.

Now, we are going to make one choice. The storm is telling you there are a million overwhelming things you have to do. That is a lie. There are only three choices right now, and you only need to pick one.

If you or someone else is in immediate, physical danger and you need help on site, right now:

This is the button you push when you need the paramedics or the police to show up. This is the “bring the fire truck” button.

If you are having thoughts of suicide and you need to talk or text with a human, right now:

This is the national, 24/7 lifeline. It is free, it is confidential, and it is staffed by trained counselors who are ready to listen without judgment. This is the “I need a lifeline” button.

If you are in St. Louis, you are not in crisis but you are in deep distress and need to talk to someone local:

Behavioral Health Response (BHR) is our community’s lifeline. They provide free, confidential telephone counseling and can connect you with local resources. This is the “I need a local guide” button.